Let’s get two facts straight right off
the bat. Fact one, sex is an extremely powerful and important component in any
marriage. Sex is a physical and emotional connection you share with a person, and
it is an integral part of showing the person you promised to love forever just
how much you still want them. Fact two, humans are driven by their hormones.
Women, in particular are prone to acting on them. Every woman who says “I don’t
get moody” or “I’m not emotional” is lying. Sure, maybe you don’t act out over
your emotions, but you have that voice in your head that says “Kill him, he
deserves it.” That may not be what your voice says, but mine says it an awful
lot.
Now, breastfeeding is a wonderful and
natural thing. I think everyone agrees that it is the best possible source of
nourishment for any child. That being said, I do not think it is wrong if a
woman chooses not to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is not for every mother. In
fact, if I were to ever have another child, I would skip breastfeeding
completely.
I breastfed my son until he was almost
nine months old. It was hard. When he was first born I couldn’t get him to
latch correctly. My nipples were always raw and swollen. I hated every second
of it. I eventually gave up and gave him a bottle of formula. I felt like the
worst mother in the world. I did have a breast pump and I used it for the first
month. One day; he miraculously latched on perfectly. I was so relieved to have
him breastfeeding. This lasted about a week. Sure, he was no longer making me
bleed, but it was definitely more physical contact at a time then I had ever
been used to. It was more sleepless nights because my husband couldn’t feed
him. It was more feedings, more often, where I couldn’t do anything else. I
felt like a walking boob. I think I managed for about two months this way,
before I gave in again and gave him a bottle of formula.
I had decided to go on maternity leave a
couple of weeks before I was due because my biggest fear was going into labor
while I was at work and having no one who could drive me to the hospital. After
the baby was born, I both desperately wanted to go back to work and secretly
wanted to quit completely so I wouldn’t miss any of my son’s “firsts.” When I
did eventually go back to work, getting my son breast milk was even harder. I
work in a mall and we do not have a private restroom. I had no where I could go
to pump privately. I ended up using the restroom near the mall offices which is
smaller and less crowded then the one near the food court. I was always
embarrassed at having to pump in the restroom though. I would blast music from
my phone and hoped it would hide the sound of my pump. Every mall should have a
room to pump or breastfeed in my opinion.
I didn’t keep up pumping very long. It
was inconvenient and time consuming. I had to skip lunch at work every day
because pumping took up my whole break. I gave my husband the go-ahead to give
our son formula when I was at work. I felt extremely guilty but amazingly happy
at not having to pump anymore! I got back a tiny bit of normalcy to my life and
I was grateful for it.
What does all of that have to do with
hormones and sex? Breastfeeding can really mess up a woman’s hormones. During
pregnancy, a woman’s estrogen levels increase and stimulate the ductules to
grow. After delivery, those estrogen levels drop and remain low for several
months. I don’t mean to bore you with the actual hormonal process or anything
so let’s just say hormones get wacky. This crazy up and down can definitely
affect a woman’s emotional state. The actual hormones messed me up some, but my
own personal emotions messed me up more. Everyone has their own tastes, their
own preferences, their own way of doing things. I give my husband a hug out of
the blue sometimes, and kisses and cuddle sometimes, but I would not classify
myself as a lovey-dovey type. I like to sleep on my own side of the bed; I like
my legs to touch only me on the couch.
Having a baby and breastfeeding means contact constantly. Every few
hours a baby needs to eat, and that is counting down from when they started
eating. Say you start feeding your baby at four and they eat for an hour; One
to two hours later that baby needs to eat again. Get my drift? It was certainly
more physical contact then I was personally used to.
Having a baby on my boob all day didn’t
much leave me in the mood to have anyone else touching me. It started coming
down to me barely giving my husband a kiss on the lips when he got home and no
other touching. Yes, I needed some time to heal up after pushing a human being
out of my body, but even after the doctor go-ahead, I was not feeling up to
sex. We tried a couple of times, but I never enjoyed it. It downright hurt most
of the time. I didn’t want my husband to touch my chest at all. I was
uncomfortable with the spontaneous leaking and I just didn’t want to have my
already sore breasts manhandled some more. In my head he was whining at me all
the time. I felt like all he wanted me for was sex and if I couldn’t deliver I
was worthless. He, on the other hand, probably felt like I didn’t love him
anymore. Looking back on it, he was
really very supportive about the whole thing, but everyone has needs. He wanted
me to show him I still thought he was the sexiest thing on the planet and
instead I would respond to his affection and asking if I wanted to have sex
with “If you want to.” Oh yeah, nothing makes a guy feel sexier than his wife
telling him she will tough it out and have sex with him.
My husband and I were not on the same
page. I knew this was not his fault, but I started to resent him even asking
for sex. I expected him to be a mind reader, to know I wasn’t mad at him but at
myself for not being able to get over this whole thing. I got upset when he
would touch me because I thought he was going to ask for sex, I got mad when he
would give me a passionate kiss for the same reason. I thought everything he
did would end up with him asking for sex. The poor guy just needed some
affection. I just needed some space.
Now, this whole time, I had been
breastfeeding my son whenever I was at home. Days I didn’t work he wouldn’t
have any formula at all, days I worked I’d breastfeed him until my husband came
home, then he’d switch to formula. My son was never easy. He would get days
when all he wanted to do was mash his jaws together on my breast. That hurts
quite a bit, just so you are aware. After he got teeth, I began to get angry at
him for doing it. It hurts a lot more with little baby razor teeth. When he was
close to nine months old and he had once again bitten through the skin, I
decided to stop breastfeeding. I felt amazing. I felt free. I had sex with my
husband and enjoyed it for the first time in almost nine months. I still
breastfed my son a few more times after that, mostly to comfort him, but just
the decision to stop made me feel like a human being again.
If I could go back and tell myself all
of this before my son was born, I would have never breastfed. Judge if you
want. It may have been postpartum depression, I don’t know, but I could have
saved myself a lot of self-doubt. I could have saved my husband months of blue
balls. I could have saved our marriage a lot of stress. I feel there is too
much pressure on women to breastfeed. Then again, there is too much
embarrassment and shame attached to it to. How is it that a woman can feel
ashamed for not breastfeeding and feel ashamed for letting people know she’s
breastfeeding? I have since let go of any guilt I felt toward the entire
breastfeeding process. Feeding my son is my job and I am doing it the way that
is right for me and my family.
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